Candide, de Voltaire

First chapter: How Candide was brought up in a beautiful castle, and how he was chased from it.

There was in Westphalia, in the Baron of Thunder-ten-Tronckh’s castle, a young boy whom nature had given the gentlest manners. His face revealed his soul. He had fairly sound judgment and the simplest spirit; it’s for that reason, I think, that he was named Candide.** The family’s old servants suspected that he was the son of the baron’s sister and of a good and honest gentleman who lived nearby, whom the young lady refused to marry because he could only prove 71 quarterings; the rest of his family tree had been lost to the ravages of time.

The baron was one of the most powerful lords in Westphalie, for his castle had a gate and windows. His great hall was even adorned with a tapestry. All of his farmyard dogs formed a pack as needed, his grooms were his huntsmen, and the village vicar was his great chaplain. They all called him "Your Highness," and they laughed when he told stories.

The baroness weighed about 350 pounds and thus merited great consideration, and did the honors of the house with a dignity that made her even more respectable. Her 17-year-old daughter Cunégonde was full of color, fresh, plump, and delectable. The baron’s son appeared entirely worthy of his father. Pangloss, the private tutor, was the family’s oracle, and little Candide listened to his lessons with all of the good faith of his age and character.

Pangloss taught metaphysico-theologico-cosmolonigology. He admirably proved that there is no effect without cause, and that, in this best of all possible worlds, His Highness the Baron’s castle was the most beautiful of all castles and his wife the best of all possible baronesses.

"It is proven," he said, "that things cannot be otherwise: for, as everything is done for an end, everything is necessarily for the best end. Notice how noses were created to hold glasses, that’s why we have glasses. Legs were obviously created for stockings, and we have stockings. Rocks were formed to be cut, and to make castles, and that’s why His Highness has a very beautiful castle; the greatest baron in the province must be the most comfortably housed; and, since pigs were made to be eaten, we eat pork all year. Therefore, those who have suggested that all is well have spoken foolishly; they should have said that everything is the best."

Candide listened attentively and believed innocently, for he found Miss Cunégonde extremely beautiful, though he never dared tell her so. He concluded that after the joy of being born Baron of Thunder-ten-tronckh, the second degree of joy was to be Miss Cunégonde; the third, to see her every day; and the fourth, to listen to Master Pangloss, the greatest philosopher in the province, and therefore in all the world.

One day, while walking near the castle in a little wood they called a park, Cunégonde saw Doctor Pangloss through the bushes. He was giving a lesson on experimental physics to her mother’s chambermaid, a petite, very pretty and very docile brunette. As Miss Cunégonde had a lot of aptitude for the sciences, she breathlessly observed the repetition of experiments she’d already witnessed; she clearly saw the doctor’s sufficient reasoning, the effects and causes, and she returned very flustered, very pensive, very full of the desire to be learned, wishing that she could be young Candide’s sufficient reason, and that he could also be hers.

She met Candide on her way back to the castle and blushed, Candide blushed too, she said hello with a catch in her voice, and Candide spoke to her without knowing what he was saying. The next day after dinner, as they were getting up from the table, Cunégonde and Candide found themselves behind a screen. Cunégonde dropped her handkerchief, Candide picked it up, she innocently took his hand, the young man innocently kissed the young woman’s hand with a very distinctive liveliness, sensitivity, and grace; their mouths met, their eyes became impassioned, their knees trembled, their hands wandered. The Baron of Thunder-ten-tronckh passed by the screen, and, upon seeing this cause and effect, kicked Candide’s backside all the way out of the castle; Cunégonde fainted and was slapped by the Baroness as soon as she came to; and all were dismayed  in this most beautiful and most pleasant of all possible castles.